what does anyone else do at 1am other than reflect? yea.. i've got a year to reflect on..

perhaps its best if i work my way backwards..

i'm slowly losing my mind, living in a shared house that is testing my patience and sanity. While one of my housemates has stabbed another's friend in our own living room, yours trully had no choice but to bear witness to the whole psychotic mess. and guess what this whole ordeal was over folks? a dog that brought fleas into the house, sound familiar? ah the never-ending circles of life, how i love thee.. needless to say, he doesnt live here anymore.. another house mate was kicked out because he thought he can gamble his way through life after losing his job.. he still kips on the sofa and sneaks into his empty room behind the landlord's back whenever he gets a chance.. grubbing whatever food he can find from people's cupboards late at night.. shit, if he asked we would have given it to him. when i first moved in, one of my other house mates hated me because i'm russian and he's czech, and didnt fail to make it clear that it was quite obviously all my fault that russia invaded his country.. of course, how silly of me! .. and then there's the landlady's son, who plays his music nice and loud for.. well.. its 1:48am now and i can still hear the bass beat vibrating through the floorboards.. i've had 3 colds this winter from living in this house, and the landlady is a psychotic yoga instructor.. indeed, i must be losing my mind.

my job has been breaking me down for the past 6 months. what started off as a brilliant learning experience, has gone nowhere since. i've got nowhere to go in this tiny company, and after a year and a half (and quite a lot of hard work i would like to think) im still on the same wage, despite the extreme progression in my work and im still the bottom of the barrel. but the worst part is that this job owns me.. it owns my right to live and work in this country.. and that makes me feel sick.

my grandmother died in october. luckily, i got to see her a month before when i went to russia, if only i knew it was going to be a goodbye. the woman that practically raised me since i was born has gone, and i feel so lost.

i spent my birthday under a tattoo gun, to remind myself what pain was, and to attempt to finish the 5 year old saga that started on my arm since i turned 18.

at the end of june, was the breakup with tony. how much does a break up of 2 years cost? 8 friends, £1200, numerous of lost forgotten and broken things, a home, a bike, and a wardrobe im still paying for. getting thrown out of your own house isnt fun, especially if you pay the rent.. being attacked by your ex at the front door isnt fun either, but i guess thats another price you pay to be free...

visiting america, one of my best friends couldnt even make the effort to come and see me after she moved to florida, despite the few months in advance that i told her i was going to be there. my father's disheartening hate for tony, and my foolishly trying to defend him, ruined that trip despite it all anyway.

although the beginning of the year seemed quite promising, getting my work permit and my boss realizing he's been taxing me too much and giving me loads of money back.. that was nice..

now i know this is all a bit negative, and believe me, the only reason im not asleep is because some cunt keeps going into the kitchen and slamming something shut loud enough for my windows to shake, but there were plenty of positive things this year.. but i'm keeping those, im keeping them for myself. they are mine, and no one can take them away from me. all those little tiny moments.. the ones that make your day, or make you smile.. or make you think.. or make you realize.. all these little tiny miniscule moments make all these other monstrosities disappear.

and that was my lesson, patience. and believe me, it has taken a lot of it to get through this year.

i hope to god next year's lesson isnt strength..